What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!