Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.
It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself