@PhilJamesson

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

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@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@TimmyPumpkin

*takes a sip*
this wine has a full body, hint of honey, and a rich pallet.
“sir that’s windex.”
yes, yes, ill take a bottle.

@MaryJustice86

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

@punmagnate

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

@slimmy_shady

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

@noo_nee_noo

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

@dmc1138

I can’t believe these kids at this lemonade stand expect me to provide my own vodka.

@myles_morrison

It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself