Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Breaking news:
Please do it!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]