@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

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@filibertohx_

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

@UncleDuke1969

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

@BoydPetrich

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@TweetPotato314

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

@_funnypool

friend: wanna go out

person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

@badbanana

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

@Jessdaisy

Just wanted to say thank you…I was scrolling my tl, saw your avi, and it reminded me I needed to take out the trash.

@Poutymcgee

I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.