“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
friend: wanna go out
person who threw a boomerang many years ago, and now lives in constant fear: o-out?!
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Just wanted to say thank you…I was scrolling my tl, saw your avi, and it reminded me I needed to take out the trash.
I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.