Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!


If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.


I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.


Every political Facebook status should start with, “First of all, I have no idea what I’m talking about.”


The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.


My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee’d in their pants


I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files