Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

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so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one


No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.


EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him


BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.


My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.


Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.


The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.


If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.


My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.


Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.


It was me.