so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.
It was me.