computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
You Might Also Like
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.