computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
my mind
You just read my mind
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.