@PleaseBeGneiss

Computer: set password

Me: 2020

Computer: password is too long

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@Slade

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

@murrman5

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

@ThisOneSayz

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@thatUPSdude

Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.

@Darlainky

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

@ddsmidt

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@UncleDuke1969

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.