Computer: set password

Me: 2020

Computer: password is too long

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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds


did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”


First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!


Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus


Turns out HR doesn’t care if it’s national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.


A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?


Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.


Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.


“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.