Computer: shutting down
Me: same

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How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips


My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.


Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need


I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.


“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church


[getting cuffed and arrested]

me: but officer it was medicinal

cop: again, there’s no such thing as medicinal homicide



2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing


The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.


If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.