Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0