Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.