Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
You Might Also Like
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.