have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Europe. Made in Germany.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.