[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
You Might Also Like
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
What’s so funny?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.