The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
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I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can’t remember to flush the toilet
cop: did anyone follow you here
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*