[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.