You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Well, this certainly took a turn
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…