@SJSchauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

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@TheMichaelRock

[first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry

@Parker_Simpson

It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows

@Cornjerker78

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

@BigJDubz

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

@toastymoe

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

@Staggfilms

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

@ms__pauline

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄