I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
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me: so what do you do for a living?
her: I study foreign languages
me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry
It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄