*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I think the cat got the dog high.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…