My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
The best part about being a comma is that you’re usually followed by a nice big BUT.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Now picture me using proper grammar
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room