[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
You Might Also Like
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Steam Forums
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
How dude HOW?!
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?