@sixfootcandy

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

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@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

@J0hnnyBlaze

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

@Cheeseboy22

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

@SteveSuckington

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

@FatBottomGirl1

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

@Julie_Cooker

Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.

@eerrriiicaa

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

@Burger_Time_

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.