@sixfootcandy

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

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@PhilJamesson

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@TheCatWhisprer

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

@fro_vo

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

@pharmasean

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@Reverend_Scott

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

@Introvert_Dad

Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.

I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne