The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Jesus fed 5000 with 5 loaves and 2 fish.
I can’t even satisfy myself with a family sized lasagne
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.