[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Pretty much. 🤣
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
This was a bad idea all around
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.