[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”