@necrosocks

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

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@NotARatsAss

My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.

@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

@MBlackman37

Trump: What caused the Civil War?

Aide: Slavery.

Aide 2: Slavery.

Aide 3: Slavery.

DeVos: Bears.

@BahuWrites

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

@funflaps

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

@GaryJanetti

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?

@therealeatwood

All I wanna do is

*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*bang*
*gun cocks*
*cash register*

Get this reference