My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
Trump: What caused the Civil War?
Aide 2: Slavery.
Aide 3: Slavery.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?
All I wanna do is
Get this reference