Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
When someone trying to leave me
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*