@sonictyrant

concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?

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@DrakeGatsby

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@EFFLORESCENE

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and experience parties and everything!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store. i got a mango for 39¢

@HatfieldAnne

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

@RdrJay47

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.

@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.