One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Natty or not?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes