concierge: the lift is broken sir i think your friend has taken the stairs

me: when’s he bringing them back?

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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna


25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.


me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]


me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!


the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers


I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?


Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.


A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”



me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it