@SoulYodeler

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

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@_davidlucas_

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

@pattymo

Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick

@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@McKelvie

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

@Marlebean

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

@StellaGMaddox

My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”