Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
is this how new cars are made??
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.