Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.


GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!


Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick


School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free


They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?


How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are


My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”


My minivan is always rocking, but it’s usually because I’m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.


Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”