Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ZennethNevers

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

@marcia_bee

What’s a drug lord woman called?

A drug lady?

A heroin heroine?!

@Dawn_M_

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Hey, what are you building?

PAL: A new kitchen counter

ME: That seems…

PAL: Please don’t

ME: …counterproductive

@VanGobot

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

@nextgaara

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“