@sixfootcandy
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
@mojo_bones_
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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@sixfootcandy
@Grommit56
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
@MarfSalvador
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
@ValeeGrrl
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
@blade_funner
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
@threetimedaddy
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
@sageboggs
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
@sweetandweak
I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
@Frankie_Val
Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.
@TheAlexNevil
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.