Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
the answer was staring at me all along
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
just witnessed a drug deal
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.