@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

@Grommit56

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

@MarfSalvador

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

@ValeeGrrl

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@blade_funner

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

@threetimedaddy

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

@sageboggs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

@sweetandweak

I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.

@Frankie_Val

Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.

@TheAlexNevil

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.