(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!


Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.


me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going


Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?


Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.


Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one


Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.


Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.


The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.