*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey