Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.