Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.