CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
No way!
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit