@joejwest

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

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@SlabBaconBP

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

@Elizasoul80

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

@JosephScrimshaw

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

@envydatropic

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

@eric10F

Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.

@_sunshine25_

EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.

@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.