I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!
Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-
Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef
Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?