@Pork_Chop_Hair

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

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@OhHiAlyPie

Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT

@BunAndLeggings

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

@Coastiefish

I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

@fightforfood

When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I’d prefer if you included tigress

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

@ThugRaccoons

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*