@Pork_Chop_Hair

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

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@HabeasDorkis

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

@Cherbearxo

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

@tarashoe

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

@famouscrab

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@InternetHippo

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

@david8hughes

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

@Skoog

Me: [throwing another failed entree onto the floor] make it again!

Stuart Little: please, i’m not who you think i am my name is stu-

Me: [grabbing him by his tiny shirt] make it again rat chef

@Zombie_Kit

Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?