I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Not at work.
This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”
And that’s how the fight started
I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.