“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I used to be married, but I’m better now