@behindyourback

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

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@Shh182

I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*

@yonewt

Searching for that special woman to share my interest in candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, and losing my shit over inanimate objects

@TheHyyyype

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

@Shade510

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

@ericsshadow

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

@vexroid

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

@The_Albinoshrek

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

@iwearaonesie

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

@jazmasta

I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.