Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.