@Rollinintheseat
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
@Staggfilms
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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@Rollinintheseat
@thedad
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
@Mike_Eagle
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
@iamspacegirl
if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day
@ItsAndyRyan
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
@lazerdoov
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
@simoncholland
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
@Sarcasticsapien
When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.
@sween
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
@gobmentcheese
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.