@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

@thedad

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

@Mike_Eagle

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

@iamspacegirl

if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day

@ItsAndyRyan

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

@Sarcasticsapien

When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.

@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

@gobmentcheese

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.