[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction