[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I am crying
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.