Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
You Might Also Like
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
same bro
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.