me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
You Might Also Like
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…
The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people