@NotThatNixon

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

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@CAshmanActor

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

@brentcetera

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

@CarrieMayhem

Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…

library.

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@Quartzjixler

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

@PleaseBeGneiss

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

@JoshuaFlail

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@sarcasticmommy4

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

@BuckyIsotope

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people