If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.
confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!
Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”