confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.

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If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.


People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.


I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.


Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.


me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it


*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*


Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?


So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.


Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”