@JohnFatherJohn

confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.

You Might Also Like

@DomComedy

If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

@deardilettante

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

@reallifemommy3

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

@OllyiConic

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

@BuckyIsotope

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

@ClassADude

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

@GeorgeTakei

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

@lasergirl70

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”