“there are some things that money can’t buy”
politician: i don’t get it
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
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Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: Scout’s honor.
Minister: You’re supposed to say “I do.”
Cat: we need a life
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.
My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.