@yalljust_myfans

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

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@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@SarcasticAlly12

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

@alrightbob

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@Cpin42

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

@Darlainky

Me: Scout’s honor.

Minister: You’re supposed to say “I do.”

@JP_theAntiHero

Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Me:
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Me:

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

@kimwilliamz

You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.