confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
You Might Also Like
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…