Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Breaking news:
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!