confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Anyone really
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
girls literally only want one thing..
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Mountain Goat : )
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”