I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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just remembered this lol
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*