[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.


If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.


I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…


My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.


[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail


And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.


WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*