Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Gas is like $40/full tank
Carrots are like $1/pound
Ya boi is getting a horse.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.