My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
You Might Also Like
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Hey chubby dudes rockin’ tight polo shirts. Nope.