@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

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@mikeleffingwell

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

@UncleDuke1969

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@JDBooie

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

@Karate_Horse

Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok

@Darlainky

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille