@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

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@DurtMcHurtt

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

@sarabellab123

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

@AmyinAtlanta212

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

@echoesofpoetry

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

@bobvulfov

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*