[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I will never stop laughing at this
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“OMGJK” -atheists
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’