[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.


Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

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Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL


Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!


[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here


[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second


How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.


Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed


I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.


if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what


White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”


I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair