Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease”
“I can’t say I’m surprised”
*doc strokes beard*
“Hmm yes.Just as we thought”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slowest swimmer.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.