@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

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@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@KeetPotato

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@Thynebear

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

@KingRainhead

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

@BGH70

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@supermarkusa

I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair