[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Ion see the issue
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”