[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
groan^2
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.