me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

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MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost


Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.


Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.


Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment


Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.


Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.


[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.


I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”