@iamburtjarvis

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

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@theguywitheyes

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@karanbirtinna

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

@KimMonte10

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@PinkCamoTO

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

@cravin4

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

@Reverend_Scott

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

@3dog101

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”