wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
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me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
LOL