@ThaJawn

(Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

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@UncleDuke1969

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@tastefactory

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@JermHimselfish

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

@mooseandriosmom

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

@amishschool

Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

@krisv_723

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.