Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”


If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.


If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.


“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir


Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies


Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.


My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.


Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.


*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.