“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie


I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.


I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.


Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion


Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright


* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word


*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who


Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.


The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.


I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.