Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“I killed a man”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that’s 10 times better.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright
* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.