Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

This probably isn’t good

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.