confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.