Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.


ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind


Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.


The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.


Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.


People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.


I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.


I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously


I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.