Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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ME: omg there’s a wolf
ME: no the regular kind
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
me: BLESS YOU!
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.