Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?