@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

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@geniusindisgize

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

@UncleDuke1969

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

@E_lok44

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

@OfficialMizGin

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

@Freudianscript

I just saved a bunch of money on fireworks by telling my wife to calm down.

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi