Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
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ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“TGIM!” – My liver
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”