Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My beach vacation Google searches
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.