confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
B
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
#damn
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock