confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises


[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.


I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…


[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]


Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.


I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…


I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.


Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm


First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.


But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.