confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
i dont have time for this
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake